and in faking news....

Mohali is getting ready to what is being claimed as the biggest event of the year, even bigger than the super moon which a lot of city dwellers missed because of traffic and pollution. The game is expected to be watched by half of the worlds population including dogs, cats, monkeys and Charlie Sheen. India and Pakistan are routed to play the semi finals of the World Cup of 2011, the most intelligent cup in the history of mankind - a cup that counts. God (who sometimes claims to be Sachin Tendulkar) too has taken a day off with a leave letter stating personal reasons. Though he was not available for questioning, sources say he was busy organizing the biggest party the real world will never know about. However India and Pakistan will definitely remain closed and the prime ministers are expected to be seen sharing a boxer. Errr box.

Some activists and cricket enthusiasts have been out on the streets today protesting that tomorrow must be declared a national holiday. Yuvraj Singh has stated that he is not going to play in any case tomorrow is declared a dry day.

The Indian cricket team were seen practicing with at most enthusiasm. While Ghambir was seen running between the wickets without a partner for over 4 hours with coach Garry Kirsten keeping a close watch on him, southies Srisanth and Ashwin was seen practicing screaming friendly accolades towards the opponents female family members in Hindi. When Dhoni was asked about his teams preparation he said with his usual lack of emotion "WELL OFCOURSE we will win. We are a horrible fielding outfit but we are surely better than them (Pakistanies). Our batting has not performed as expected  but we are better than them. And in the bowling department if Shoaib (Aktar) plays, our bowling would be as good as theirs. The boys don't really care about the cup as we can all count but we want to win it for Sachin (Tendulkar)"

The Pakistanis were seen taking a day off with every one attending to personal chores. While Afridi and Misbah were busy discussing family problems with Sania Mirza, Kamran Akmal was caught sharpening his front teeth at the dentist, just in case he had to bite nails (Not bails or balls he clarified) for what is expected to be a certain nail biter. When Imran Khan was asked on how his team was going to fare in the game he said " The boys are going to play for their lives as this is a do or die for them... that is the format of the game". However there are reports that he knows of a betle nut derivative would be extended to the names of the Pakistan team members in the case they lost the game. Previously the "supari" as the world calls it was out just in the names of the previous World Cup winner's captains . When a certain Mr D (name has been withheld to protect the individual) was asked if this was true, he said "No Idea."

Bangalore will remain closed tomorrow. Traffic has seen its peak since Sunday evening with people uncertain of the days of the week owing to Wednesday being declared a self holiday by everyone. For traffic police, it would be businiess as usual and have issued a press statment saying it would be safe to drink and drive only after the match in case India win. BSY has already made a statement that the launch of the Metro will be further delayed and the sole cause is the India Pakistan semi finals irrespective of the result of the match.

It has been speculated that the noted Arnab Goswami would retire after this match if India lose.

Draw a tie

 This Sunday turned out to be quiet an action packed day for Indians in general and for most Bangaloreans in particular. The build up to the India vs England match was marked with interventions from something or someone divine, not sure it was god or the devil(read Mandira Bedi). For one, the match got shifted from Eden Gardens to Chinnaswami. Saurav Ganguly continued to be under the opinion that the match could have very well happened in Kolkotta, so be it that the players of both the teams would have had to adjust a tiny bit and share dressing rooms. That kind of inconvenience he believed was acceptable, especially when the crowd of chota king smoking bengalis would  be out in larger numbers than in Bangalore resulting in the match being more action packed with Smoke Bombs and Water Guns instead of the traditional Lati charge that prevailed here.

 Those who were lucky like the local MLA's third wife's second cousin or stupid like Venkatesh to pay for the tickets through his nose, got to watch what would be equivalent to watching the "divya jothi" at Shabarimalai. They got to see the god, also called Sachin Tendulkar sometimes, perform magic once again, only to go for the mid innings break wondering what had just passed. Did they really see what they saw or did the just imagine the ball flying all over the park like the thousands of devotees do every year at Shabarimalai.

 The lesser fortunate, who didn't get their hands on tickets and were not at the end of a swinging lati got to watch the match in crowded bars. Only a few of them did get to watch the match while most had to satisfy themselves watching heads of the others. All of them however, in the hope of getting drinks had to avoid getting molested as the crowds that had gathered in such bars could have put the mumbai local to shame.

 By the time the second innings came mid way, everyone had mellowed down into a drunk stupor, some of them because of the alcohol, but most of them having early bouts of Monday morning blues. Come batting power play, not only did the Indian team came into spirit, so did the spirited individuals. Among the chats of "Bolo bharat mata ki Jai" and "Dhoni, Zindabaad" there were other more interesting slogans like "Soda, lemon, ginger-pop, I want Deepika Padukone on the top" as she glared on the screen biting Siddhart Mallyas nails(she didnt want to do hers as they had been pedicured specially for the match) and some subdued slogans of "Baath koli na denga" when Grame Swan came to bat also made rounds.

 The bar owners broke coconuts in the name of Shane Warne as the match turned out to be a tie. They were thankful that India didn't lose and therefore their mugs and bottles didn't get a chance to break. They were more thankful that India did not win and they could hold back stocks which could be sold after the Budget.

 Bangalore seemed to sleep early with only a hand full of losers who had gotten out of the stadium early with the expectation of an Indian loss but were too late to enter any bar within the prescribed closure timings of the city who were found singing "Oops I did it again".

close encounter with the opener

 Waiting for something in anticipation is always much better than the real thing.

 Its been a week since the world cup has started. One India match out of the way too, brilliant   batting  performance by the Delhi boys, though the match in itself lacked any real match feeling. However much the Indian players have to say about Bangladesh (revenge and all that), Bangladesh still seems like a school team who seem to practice with a tennis ball in the nets. It was a simple win, a match in which I slept through the second innings, primarily because of abuse of beer during the first.

 Still our players are injured in all over the place. Knees of Sachin and Shewag are in question, and so has Zaheers manhood(He seems to have a niggling groin from time immemorial). Nehra and Srisanth are as usual, injured in their brains. The way Indians are getting the advantage,  making sure all their games being played at home, I don't think it is surprising if ICC would allow Indian team to play in the practice match format - 15 member team for India.


 There has been lots of other action apart from the highly media-fied Indian team. NZ beat the shit out of Kenya and Ricky Pointing beat the shit out of a poor unsuspecting LCD TV. With the "aatakku untu lekkakke illa(There for the game, not for the count)" teams finishing off their matches in a hurry, the World Cup 2011 promises much more action in the coming days.

 Now that the India England match has moved from Kolkotta to Bangalore,  my absence in the stadium will hence be blamed on the ticket prices than as previously planned, the lack of good India matches in Bangalore.

 The practice is on from my end. Got the setup-box for my TV. Warming up my body for this Sunday. Have made a mental note not to consume the beer during the first innings. Would love to use KP as the make shift opener for the bottles.

 May the best team win. India of course.

Chai - na

Some time in 2017, the the world came to being dominated by Asia, especially India and China. Every other country in the world was either part of these two countries or supported  them.

 China had been trying hard to take over the country of India, waging a series of infiltrations in what would later be called the third world war. It was in these times came to power General Chi Thu, a small army general who had about 5000 soldiers under him. He had risen to the rank of a General with in two years of joining the army. This non formally educated boy had grown up in the mountains and, from a very young age had a sharp eye for solving problems. He joined the army and took over a small platoon on the unfortunate death of the platoon commander on one of the infiltrations on Arunachal Pradesh. He soon became a General and was given the primary duty of planning and strategic take over of India.

 He came up with this genius plan of taking over India, not in the usual way the wars are fought. He targeted Bangalore, which by then had become such a populous and rich city that it controlled all of the South India and had even over taken Delhi in population. Bangalore was so huge in terms of importance that, when Mumbai was destroyed in a stray attack by Pakistan before they, who ironically got destroyed by USA in 2014, Bollywood was moved to the then biggest IT power in the world. The people in Bangalore had become so busy that no one was cooking at their homes. Needless to say, the food industry was the most thriving business in Bangalore. This is what General Chi Thu saw as an opportunity which he thought he could exploit.

 He planned slowly flood every restaurant in Bangalore with his men. These smartly trained chinki cooks/terrorists would join as laborers doing mostly cooking but other random jobs. Soon each and every restaurant would have at least one chinki. On one planned day, they would poison every soul in Bangalore and take control of the city. That give them control of South India and then they would attack Indistan( after the US-PAK-EGYPT-SL war, India and Pak got merged of course) from both the sides.

 I believe the process of flooding our food industries with chinkies has already started. Beware Bangaloreans! Beware of that chinki server/cook at your favorite restaurant.

What the Beep*

The other day, 18th of Feb it was I think, I woke up later than I usually do and didn’t feel like going to work. Although this is a common feeling I face every morning, that day it was a little different. I just wanted to be at HOME. Pamper myself. Relax. Dream. Sleep. Just lie down for hours and feel 0% productive and be happy about it. That is a great thing to do on week days. Aahhh! I wish there were more weekends!

Anyway, this Feb. 18th, I could not just relax and do all that shit. I had to go to work, late was o k, but bunking till EOD was not a choice I had. So I decided I might as well go get the insurance for my bike done. That way, I could go to work late and still get some other work done in the process. Get the insurance for my bike, which was due a month and a half ago. Better late than never my teacher used to say.

I had heard of this MONSTER called the "Silk board fly over" junction. I have crossed this bad boy a few times before, all on weekends, mostly at odd times of the day(read night) and it has always almost been a cake walk. Mostly. But this Feb. 18th was the first time I saw him in complete rage. I touched Ring road at the famous Udapi garden junction. I had got the green light at that signal and I landed on ring road. After that, it took close to 50 mins for me to reach silk board flyover. All those 50 mins, my bike was revving and in first gear, moving bumper to bumper, leg to leg, very very slow, and not really steady.

Mental note: Bangalore has become awfully sunny these days! Don’t wear black T shirts

Just as I turned left onto Hosur road, a cop stopped me. “Routine check” I was told. I can’t believe it that right behind me was one of the biggest traffic jams my tender brain ever navigated and this dude here wants to routine check my bike. I am a man of simple wants, but the least I expect from society is some common sense. The whole concept of Policing is put to fire these days. I asked him as to why he was more concerned about my papers instead of minding the traffic. He dismissed my query by spitting the pan in his mouth and said "license". I promptly produced my license and the lapsed insurance, telling him in the process, that my insurance had lapsed and I was on the way to get it renewed. The beep* would not care. He wanted me to pay the fine because at that instant, my bike was running without a valid insurance.

India is like Matrix – The movie! Some rules can be bent, some can be broken. That’s why I love India. 20 bucks and a little theatrics in the lokal language is all it took for me to get out of this freak. It works cheap if the cheap constables are in charge. But I still don’t get the idea of an insurance bring mandatory. It’s my beep*in bike. I have the money to get it fixed when it gets beep*ed. So I dont beep*in need insurance. Why should I get it then? Well, some questions are never supposed to be asked. You are supposed to oblige. Life!

The insurance office was another mad house. It was 1130 on a Wednesday - the peak if we were to plot the hours of the week onto a bell curve. And when I go there, there is a herd of people wanting to get insurances done and all waiting. No queue et all.. just waiting here and there. I go and ask this really dark big lady in a bright red sari and loud gold ornaments sitting like a pig, who looked like the boss around there. She says that this guy who is supposed to click photos of our vehicles is out to get his camera fixed. I mean, what kind of a firm will work if at the peak time of the week, you have your man fixing his tools? Seriously, what the beep*!!

Relax!! Breath innnnn…. Breath outtttt…..

The good news is that I have to wait till the next Feb 18th [:)] to get my insurance renewed. I can’t wait for the next Feb. 18th, even though I am sure I will delay getting the damn thing done!

Shankranthi 2009

Its festival time again and yet again I found myself banging on the doors of Halli Mane.

I have always loved festivals. I am not a very religious person and all but I have always loved festivals. Too many aspects to festivals them interesting but I am most intrigued by the feast most festivals have to offer. Since I am still in the phase of my life enjoying my bachelorhood, I usually find myself enjoying my fest at Halli Mane.

Halli Mane is a concept restaurant which serves mostly Karnataka rural food. Situated on one of the cross roads on one of Mallehshwaram's busiest roads, this restaurant has to its credit providing healthy and hygienic food to the people of Bangalore. Halli Mane organizes feasts on chosen Hindu festivals at regular intervals. This Shankranthi was one such occasion. I had my festival feast(suggi) here. And what a feast it was!

Me and Me-non reached the destination, ready for the lunch at about 1. Since both of us were working on that day, we were both in office clothes and very out of place. Every time I have gone there for my festival meal I have had an awesome experience. This time was no different. Well different a little in terms of the menu, but awesome none the less. Its like at home, like you have just finished the pooja, asking god for all the useless things in the world and you sit for a meal. There are flowers everywhere, the whole place is decorated, and the smell of the food is so very inviting. Everyone is dressed for the occasion and there are people handing over the prasadam and juice and the ladies are dressed in saris and adorn flowers and they all look so pretty. The "service" part of the experience is tip-top. Clean men with clean clothes with clean vessels with very nice looking food come and serve a feast so good, one must experience to understand.

This time, I had to pull some strings and get a back door entry cos there were close to a 1000 people waiting in line and I HAD to get back to work. We got thro the back door into the kitchen, which spans two floors just like the rest of the restaurant. We walked thro the huge cookers and huge vessels with boiling oil or steam something, on to a metal stair case and thro a door into the first floor of the main restaurant. The entry in itself was rather filmy and the food that followed, followed suit. A delicious "close to 5" course meal was laid out in front of us on a big plantain leaf. I would not like to get into the details of the menu but I promise ill pass on all the information of Halli mane to anyone who drops in a personal request. Like I said, I can pull some strings there ;)

Like in every fairy tale there is a villan, an ugly old witch or mean wolf, this habbada oota too had its villans in my fairly tale lunch.

I cant seem to get a hang of how parents can take the shit the kids do. Seriously. Kids are the future of our country... they have to be brought up well. I seriously could not understand how the fat mother of the fat kid sitting next to me could enjoy her meal without being affected this moneky of a son. He bloody would not shut his mouth. I mean, talk talk talk all the time. Not just talk, stand up, spill water, cry, make the guy serve him the kheer 4 times and make a painting out of it on the leaf, touch my leaf, touch me, kick me, stamp my shoes and all the crazy shit spoilt brats do. Seriously parents, please do something about the kids parents... you don’t want them to end up like me one day. Believe me!

Oh ya! Happy Shankranthi 2009!

Good India

I was riding back home late yesterday night from work. Bangalore has become awfully cold these days. For someone who has lived in this city for more than half my life, this is the coldest I have experienced here. Coldest winter they say. But I don’t think it’s cold only because of the weather. Either ways I have found myself a pair of biker gloves and an ordinary looking fake Ferrari jacket since I re-took my riding in an attempt to become a biker! And started wearing shoes which I so dislike wearing.

But like I said, it’s not just the weather. Today, riding a bike at hours close to midnight is a risk one must be willing to take. A risk to one’s life so to say. Hazaar drunk drivers buzzing on the streets in Bangalore jumping traffic signals and hitting one ways alike. And the cops are busy checking if people have a valid insurance. The whole cops scene is such a farce I tell you. I have come across numerous scenes of utter comedy. There would be a traffic jam and an ambulance stuck in it but these traffic cops would be busy filling their pockets round the corner under a shady tree where no one can see them, almost surprising travelers as they pounce and take away the keys, much like how a hungry lioness would snap an innocent deer. Or there would be two people fist fighting it out on the street and the sheepy constable would be a mere spectator. Drunk drivers apart, these are the days of terror. With 26 11 et all and the India Pak war on the verge and all that jazz happening in the background, the air out there, especially in the evenings, when it gets kinda dark is spooky in its own way. You never know if the biker next to you has an AK47 and would start shooting at will the next moment, or the car ahead of you is going to explode in mid travel, or the truck behind you is carrying a dozen terrorists. India has gone to dogs! The world has gone to dogs!

Thats when a thought occured to me. Just extrapolating the events occurring now, in another 6 months, India goes to polls. If at around that time, if a war breaks out between the two nations (or the third world war with religion being the cause for it), then I am sure India will not have a leader. Congress ready to wash its hands of the dirty shit and with no polls and no one to take responsibility, it could be a disaster waiting to happen. This is the time when the world needs a revolution. India needs a revolution. A movement which is way bigger than any war for freeing India from its foreigners. A war for freedom, my freedom, your freedom, everyones freedom. I would want to go home at midnight on my bike with the secure thought that if I dont reach home safely tonight, it would only be because of my stupidity. I would not be under a drunken bus driver wheels, I would not be beaten up by 5 goons who do away with my bike my cellphone and my ATM cards and my gold chain. That’s the freedom I am asking for. To go out to a bar with my girl and have a drink without being scared about coming back in one piece. A freedom to go to a Road transport office and get my drivers licence done without being harassed. When I am old and retired and I want my Providant Fund money, I want to freedom to not worry about standing in a line ispite of my health condition a hundred times before I get less than half of what is due to me. The freedom to be a part of "Good India" of numerous cultures, languages and traditions, the Ram Rajya and not a part of corrupt, painful, bureaucratic, filthy "Bad India".

A revolution is all it needs.

Those were the days when news papers were just a dream and communication of the ideas of the "leaders" who emerged was the biggest issue. Today is the world of internet and cyberspace and we are in the edge of conquering the telecommunication sphere. The world has shrunk from a size 44 to a size 11. Everyone, even half way around the world is just a button press away. So sending the word out to the people is not a problem at all. So it’s a matter of a real man emerging and leading the movement towards "Good India". Would that leader emerge? Is that leader born yet?

These were the questions I found myself asking as I reached the gate of my building. I had reached home safely today. Tomorrow is a new fight altogether. The was locked from inside. I kinda feel all my neighbors in my building dislike me. Even tho I see to it that there is no loud music or late night parties at my place or smoking anywhere in and around the building, they seem to be very hostile towards me. I guess its the bachelor tag I carry with me. So I have to park my bike outside, jump the wall to get inside MY house and go to sleep. This is the freedom I am left with to enjoy!

Automagic!

One of the strangest things happened the other day. One of my “My firsts”. I was at home in the night with my car and bike both parked at work. For someone who detests using the cell phone, my car and my bike are the only outlets for me to have any contact with the outside world. There were my most preferred (read only) modes of transportation I have ever known in my life in Bangalore. Until Recently. Until recently I found the luxury of an auto.

The auto as its called here in Bangalore is, I have figured out recently is the best mode of transportation one can use for an inter city travel. Its safer than a bike, faster than a car, simpler than a bus and definitely not as "healthy" as the bicycle (but I some how find it very funny when I hear of friend's friend's friends using bycycles to commute to work, play etc .. I dont know why… its just way too funny...). And its kinda not as expensive as one assumes it to be (or atleast I assumed it to be). I kinda feel I am the king when I am sitting in the back of an auto. I tend to put on the "The chauffer driven busy person" look which the chauffer driven motherfuckers usually tend to have. And for once I dont feel pissed I am in a traffic jam. I am in a jam alright; but I am not the one shifting gears, honking horns or clutching the clutch. And most auto guys tend to put on a conversation if you are willing to talk. There again, a choice of entertainment. If required.

I am just coming off a pretty long trip to Vizag[took off from work for one week straight and went in search of my soul like everyone who go in search of their souls... not sure where to find it though]. This trip had me taking the help of public transport mostly(unless I was made to walk, swim or climb up and down treacherous terrain). The different thing about autos there is that they have this "shared" thingi going on. You can share auto rides. So usually you will in an auto with strangers. Its kinda unbelievable how many people can fit into an auto. I have, on record, been a part of an auto journey for nearly 25 kms with 10 adults and 2 kids in the auto from beach road to Bhimulipattanam. One hell of a ride. I loved it!

The other advantages of travelling in an auto:

• Smoking is a pleasure because you are not thinking about driving along with smoking and also the ventilation is best in an auto (I must make a point here in saying that smoking is injurious to health. I am just listing the advantages of an auto, not bad habits of people. And an auto almost always has a light to offer)
• In case of an accident, the crowd usually is on our side (Its amazing how the auto drivers group together when one of them is in trouble)
• You can never be caught for drunk driving( and its fuckin 2000 bucks if you get caught drunk driving fyi)
• Parking is never a concern
• Cell phone conversations are simpler.
• If one auto has mechanical trouble, there are hazaar others around.
• Most autos have pretty actress on their walls (which is good in a sidey way. The women have to cheer up… cos I have seen autos with men on the walls as well… these are the gay driven autos I think)

May be the traffic situation in Bangalore could improve if we introduced the concept of shared autos. Anyway I see school autos loaded with kids. Hundreds of them fitted like the soap counter in a departmental store. If we can all fit into once such auto everyday and commute, then metro rail can go kiss my ass!

But for now, its sad scene(almost teary… the other day it took me over an hour and a half to get from the end of MG to touch old madras road thro indranagar… an area I have lived 3 years in and know pretty well the in-roads) on account of the metro and my "The chauffer driven busy person" look thats in fashion these days.

Shankar annange jai!!

Kannadam Kastoori allave!!!!

Chapter II: Bengalooru

Yeno elections anthappa nam bengalooralli... 10 ne taarik anthe... A soole makklu politicians e sarthi aadru ond channagiro government baralappa vidhana saudha dalli... ad yen maadtaaro, nataka madakku time saltailla a boli makkalge... aadru namgalge ad yen vetyasa agatto gottilla bidrappa... a ond dinad raja bittu.... yaar band yen madakke agatte bidi... a traffic nodbittandre anthu nakkan yakappa beku ansbidatte... police avaru dinakka ond ond road na ista bandange one way maadtaare, no entry maadtaare, two way maadtaare, agitaare, fly over antha round keytaare.... nam bangalore police avarastu karab nan makkalu illa..... kett maath aadbaardu paapa... yellaru onde tara iralla... aadru... but most of them... bloDDy lofars....

Alla kanri... monne yen aytu gotta.... zamaana aadmele bike alli beat haakta idde ratri li.... yeno nam bengalooralli, iddiddralli ratrihottu beat hakakke channagiratte... paapa jana yellaru begne mane serbidtaare... road galu khaali hodita iratte... so, yen helta idde andre... ond 12 gante mele agittu... juuiiiiii antha barta idde... RX gottalla... sakast ujjaadta idde... sudden agi a shivananada circle hattra vobba mama nilisda.... full traffic stop maad da... ond hatt nimsha kaysda... yellaru kaadru... ond 100 gaadigalu assemble agittu kanri circle alli... kaadvi kaadvi... yake nilsidaane antha gottaaglilla... election time allva... yaaro vip banda... hoda.... a vip car hogidtakshana nam police mama sink kanri... horte bitta... avan paadge... fone alli maathaadkondu.... yalla kade inda nu gaadigalu hortvu... major traffic jam... imagine madi... ratri hechu kammi ond gante li... adu yaarinda agiddu?? police and politicians... adene democracy for the people by the people of the people antharallapa... seems that the people who really matter are the fucking basturds we elect... alla ri, government avarge rules e illva? a bmtc avaranthu ista bandhange leftu rightu, backu, frontu bartaarappa... bmtc pakkadalli gaadi vodsakke meter off agatte bengalooralli... and police avaru... vobba nu helmet hakalla kanri... naavgalyenaadru helmet tegdre saaku, 300 rupai keytaare soole makkalu... so much for democracy....

Bidrappa.... monne M G road kade nu beat haakde kanri... bike alli idde alla... traffic iddru deal agogatte and hengidru ratri hottu traffic iralla, nam Gandi tatha hengidaaro nodkondbarona antha hode... raktha kanneerin kathe ri nam M G road du.... boli makklu... ardha dalli kuydbittidaare kan ri... yaaraadru bere oorinda bandavarge nam M G road thorsbittre tupik! antha mukhadhmele definet agi ugitaare... Adyen metro baratto naanu nodle beku antha decide maadbitideeni...

Adar mele ad yest cool agi ide antheera nam bengalooru.... A ha!! 35 kelage bande illveneo.... yavttu bevetavanalla kanri naanu... heavvy cool manushya naanu... eega yenadru office bittu horge hode ankoli, nakkan yest bever baratte andre... shiva shiva... Eegenadru airport ge hogbeku andbittre imagine maadkoli.... moore moor ganthe anthe kanrappa allithanka hogakke.... aste aste... snana mado agatya ne illa... sumne koothkondbittre taxi alli mugeethu kathe... hogo asthottge snana yen bidi... hechu kammi kabab roast geast agogteevi a vimana hidiyosthottge....

Namgal naseeb e channagilla bidrappa... adyeno heltaralla... "Jab naseeb hi gaand mara ho tho kudha kya karega" antha... Bangalore Royal Challengers ad yen sundarvagi aadidrappa aa opening match IPL na.... line line agi nilsi shoot maadbeku kanri... nakkan naane channagaadtidneno pa.... gaandu gal thara aadidru.... alli ri.... yaaraadru dravid matte jaffar na opening kalsdtaaryenri... adu T20 alli... adu nakkan 200 mele chase maadbekdaadre... yen test match ketthoyte IPLu.... yaako nandu bhayanaka droha mado scene gal kaanta ide... Calcutta Knight Riders ge shift agona antha ideeni... in ond yerd moor match nodteeni... swalpa channag aadrappa... please kanrappa....

Is it life or the journey??

As I looked at him, his tired bloodshot eyes, sweaty forehead, a cigarette between his fingures trying to steer his 10 lac odd car inch my inch to what people call "home" I could hear what he was thinking as he hung up on a call.

"Fuck the manager. Fuck the project. Fuck everybody. I fuckin have to work till 10 in the night, without time to call my pregnent wife, and the fucker calls me to inform that there is a meeting at 9 tomorrow. Dont I have a life? Whats the point of owning that stupid car one of those movie stars advertises for when I have to drive bumper to bumper hoping those cab basturds dont scratch it.... Fuckin traffic jam on top of that.... At fuckin 1045... Awwwww what a life!!!"

Ya exactly!! What has life gotten now? Every person on the road that late in the night looked so sad and deperssed. Not ONE smile. Not one... Beleive me... I counted. This one guy on a faded blue Bajaj Chetak featuring one of those Red Ferrari helmet was probabally thinking...

"The bloody bitch is going to be waiting for me to get home so that she can start her nagging. What do I care if her brother-in-law has decided to run away from his wife? And why not, if he was trading a life for her sister. I wish I could do that too. And the bloody helmet on top of that. Awwwww what a life!!!"

There was this couple in a brand new Tata Indigo, one of those girly blue colours, relatively new, relatively dented. A relatively new husband and wife I could guess. She had all those bangles and all which those panjabi chicks wear. A layer of makeup and a bright salwar I noticed. Goodlooking is how I would define her. Anyway, new "couple" they were, night it was. I thought atleast there, there would be some romance flowing, some smiles flying around. No, there was none of that. The guy was, basically a rookie at driving was struggling to get the car move the inch it was supposed to move and the girl was looking out of the window thinking...

"Where the hell am I stuck. I am stuck all day at home with the bloody TV or cooking for this bloody joker who cant even drive a car for nuts. I ask him to take me out for dinner one day, and this is what I get? Bloody stuck in a car. What is my life coming to? Awwwww what a life!!!"

Its a sad scene in bangalore. There is so much money. So many software engineers. So many families. And some how there seems to be no happiness. All the happiness is gone. Gone far far away.

A smile just passed my lips, thinking of the everydays I am on my way back from work with all the problems of life in my head, probabally thinking to myself "Awwwww what a life!!!"

Potty!!!

Reached home after a tough day at work. Not a particularly tough day that I should be cribbing about. Just end of another tiring day. Kinda physically and mentally exhausted. Since it was summer, I decide that I would have the second bath of the day. Once the bucket of hot water was ready, I headed to the bathroom with a towel around me. Just as I entered the bathroom, I felt like taking a shit. So got myself a cigarette and the days news paper and sat down. WOAH!!! How relaxing was that. Am not just talking about the shit, the whole process of sitting on the shit pot with a news paper with a cigarette in my hand.

I think every man existing, spends those precious 10 mins of every day of his life in the loo with his news paper. This is one place he knows he wont be distrubed by anyone and the enclosed space gives him a sense of security which I think makes those few minutes completely tension free and being naked enhances that sense of freedom. And so he reads on, letting his body do its part. It actually makes more sense to the news when it is read in the loo. Not just news, just anything read on the mighty pot makes the content worthwhile and things hit where they have to. A refrigirator and a TV if provided would make a man agree to spend the rest of his life in the loo. Atleast I would. What else do we want, a TV, an occasional beer, an occasional cigarette and effortless movement less excretion space. The complete man I guess.... :-)

Another page of Tejas' Diary

Events of 21st december 2006

0900 hours: The alarm in my phone has been ringing for an hour now and i have been snoozing it over and over again. Its as if the alarm is saying "Son of a bitch, get your fuckin ass off the bed and get to work and stop pushing my balls over and over again". I eventually make my mind up and start looking at what i have to do to get to work. Bare minimum is get bath and find clean clothes and leave.

1030 hours: I am already super late to work and am having breakfast with beloved SKI at our own Srinidhi Sagar. Once tomato rice bath, half a coffee. Ski is wearing a white T-Shirt and he spills coffee all over it. And i go HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

1115 house: My first cup of coffee is over. Done with dealing with my emails of yesterday. Pick up my TT racked and am heading towards the TT table. Phone rings. Ski it is.

"Hello" I say
"Teja" he says in a tone which he ususally uses when he is super drunk
"Are you bloody drunk at 11 in the morning? Are you not going to work??"
"I met with an accident"
"What?"
"hummm my leg hurts man... help me"
"Where are you dude, whats wrong??"
"I am at !#%^&&*(&^. Fell of the bike. I am badly hurt"
"Are you bleeding??"
"Ya"
"Lots?"
"I dont know... please come"
"I am leaving now. Just stay where you are. Ill call you"

1145 hours: I get to the spot, to ski sitting on the pavement alone. He is just sitting and his bike is next to him. I go up to him and check him out. He is scratched himself all over, hands, legs everything. His pretty face is unaffected. Thank you govt. of Karnataka for making helmets compulsary. I try to make him stand and he cant move. His leg is pretty fucked. People start gathering around. An auto guy comes and helps ski inside. We head to CMH.

1330 hours: After talking to about 5 doctors, and atleast 25 trips to differnt counters in the hospital, we have finally landed outside the orthopedcian. The x ray is on its way and ski says

"Man, it hurts but the nurses here are ok"
"Shut the fuck up ski, your bloody leg is screwed. They are going to amputate it HA HA HA HA"
"LO aadru... he he he he"

1345 hours: The doctor has examined both the xray and the patient. He calls me inside his chamber, while ski is being treated with some crape bandaid and crape. The doctor shows me the xray and says, "there is a fracture in his knee, and the bone that is affected is called %&^$%& which have ligaments attached to it. A surgery has to be conduted sometime tomorrow." and i am like "aa uh aa ok. Surgery? hummm... can i just go out for a minute." I really needed a smoke. Needed to figure out stuff. Should ski be operated there? I should inform his parents. There should surely be a second opinion on this. Whaat will i tell ski What will i tell his parents. Who will i tell anything. God!!!

1415 hours: I am trying real hard to contact skis parents. They are not reachable anywhere. I have gone out and made a dozen phonecalls to lots of people trying to organise things. I have decided that i have to get ski to mysore. Still have not contacted his parents. Totu is on his way down. Finally some one to share the decision making. I go down to inform the doctor this decision. There i come accross ski and a nurse having a small argument of sorts. I find out what it was and this is what i heard. The nurse has to crape his knee and she thinks she has to cut his trouser for that. Ski says its a new trouser, which he bought(or was bought) just yesterday and hence he wont allow that to happen. Guys, grow up and do something about it. Damn the trouser ski, let it go is what i thought.

1600 hours: We are in a qualis. Man the car is amazing. Ski is sitting behind, his leg fully bandaged. Me and totu are sitting in front. Ski is enjoying his "Fruit and Nut" which was bought for him at the Shell Fuel station. Me and totu enjoying our lays and pepsi. We are on our way to mysore. A ha!!! Mysore, here we come

1930 hours: Appolo hospital mysore. One more round of xrays and stuff. Doc says no surgery as yet. Cast for 4 weeks. Delux room for ski with all the pretty nurses he always fantasises about.

2400 hours: Me and totu on our way back to bangalore. Arya playing in the in car LCD screen. I am pretty stoned because of the hard days work. UFFFFF !!!!!

0900 hours the next day: The alarm in my phone has been ringing for an hour now and i have been snoozing it over and over again. Its as if the alarm is saying "Son of a bitch, get your fuckin ass off the bed and get to work and stop pushing my balls over and over again". I eventually make my mind up and start looking at what i have to do to get to work. Bare minimum is get bath and find clean clothes and leave.

I pick up my wallet to go for a cup of early morning Tea, and... and....

MY ATM CARD IS MISSING!!!!! I left it in the ATM yesterday!!!!

ahem ahem AMEN!!!!

Another good morning in my life. Week day. Have to get up, go for a walk in the cold decembber winter to grap a cup of coffee, come back, take turns with ski to take control of the bathroom to do the daily duties, find clothes to wear and hit the road to dodge traffic and get to work. This is how most of my week day mornings are... and thats how today was... well almost....

I had won the battle and had got an unopposed control over the bathroom. So i am done with my bath and i am walking around in the house after a nice hot bath with just a towel in my house when i hear a knock on the door. Thats the most uncommon thing that could happen at the place i stay. I go and open the door to see 2 people, in their early 50s, dressed in proper formals with tie and all that jazz. Thts the second most uncommon thing that has happened today. The average age of a person who enters my house is 24.

I am kind taken aback, excuse myself, go inside, get into the first track and T i find and went out there to face them. All this while, whats running in my head is, Oh god what have i done... which neighbour is it who has come to complain.... or did some one mess around with some one and i have become a victim of mistaken identity... or.... and things like that. I go out and he shakes my hand and then what followed was one of the wierdest conversations i have had with such an old man at that time of the day with an unintoxicated body...

He: Hi my name is ******.

Me: Hello Sir, I am Tejas

He: We are from a group called ********. We are here to spread the word of justice. Do you think the justice we are as people are getting is right?

Me: Sorry... What do you mean (What the hell is this guy talkin suddenly on something strange)

He: Say for example, does it make sense that the recent Jasica Lal case. Do you think that is fair? Do you think that is justice? Should that guy have not been behind bars much much earlier. The justice system is not right. So our group are out there trying to spread awareness about this justice system. What do you think sir, do you think the justice we are having is right?

Me: I dont know. I think its alright. Actually it does not make any sense that someone is going behind bars years after committing a crime. And i am thinking, dude let me go... i still have to get dressed and get to work... i am already freaking late...

He: Now think about Hitlor and such people who have done so much to destroy mankind. These kind of ...

Me: Hitler? So what, he was a dictator. He has done so much good for the society. How can someone just say that he as done bad and make him a anagonist. What about what all he has done for humanity

He: Well what i am saying is that such people have no right to destroy the creation of god.

Me: WOH!!! WOH!!! Where did God come into all this? Boss, i know where this is going... not the right way to start a morning... All this is nice to talk when i am high on a couple of drinks... Not a way to start of a long day ahead. GOD!!!! This was some freak who was spreading christanity. Today will be one hell of a day!!!

At this point he fishes out a book from his bag. Just as i had guessed, it was the holy bible. He flips to some page and reads out something for me. I could hear the word justice in what he read. Thats all that there was to it.

He: God says that justice should be this and justice should be that and like this and like that(I really dont remember what exactly he said but it was something on those lines).

Me: Where did god come into this? What do you mean when you say god?

He: Ok let me make one thing clear. Do you beleive in god?

Me: No

He: NO???

Me: no.

He: Dont you beleive that there is some one controlling something everything that is happening?

Me: Why should i beleive that? Is'nt that wrong? That you are letting something unknown control you. Giving the credit of creation to some unknown thing.

He: Actually science ends at some point of time. Most scientists beleive that one point their explaination ends and from then something else takes over. The all beleive that there is God, in what ever form it is. There are rules for everything, like say the atoms or electrons or nuclear physics or everything. Infact the human brain, which is like the most complicated creation existing. The complex rules that take place in its funcioning are all creations of god. Dont you think so?

Me: Just because the explaination has not come, does not mean you blame it on God.

He: Blame it on god?? (laughs) I have never heard anyone say that. (At this point he takes out a book out of his bag. The title reads "Who is the Creator?") I have a little something for you. Its a book that i think you should read. It will probabally put some right sense into your head.

Me: Book? This is going to make me beleive in god is it? There are hundreds of books which talk about god in all its forms. Infact i have on right here(and i find "The tao of physics") which has a different view of life et all. May be you should read this.

He: Humm this is interesting. May be ill buy myself a copy of this book. But i think you should come to one of our meetings. Or may be you and i can meet in person and i will convince you into the existance of god.

Me: He he he given the time, ill probabally convince you into thinking that you are wrong and that actually god does not exist. For me to probabally to beleive in what you are saying, it needs a miracle or something

He: Humm that would be interesting. I have never gotten to talk to someone who has made me feel this way. But still, if you ever change your mind, and if a miracle does happen, you can always come to me and ill show you the way to reach god

Me: I doubt that will happen. And just in case you would want a different way to look at life, you know where i stay. Drop in anytime.

He: Thanks so much for your time Tejas. It was really nice talking to you.

Me: I hope i didnt ruin your day.


I closed the door, rushed inside to find myself a clean pair of trousers and shirt and ripped my way to office. What a strange begining to the day

Bengalooruuuuu Ready NAAAAA

METER - guts.
usage: aa chatri shyamange yen metero maga.... principal roomalle pataki hachchidda!

CHOD / OLU / RAILU - big lie or a compulsive lier
usage: nan hatra ne chod beda / olu bid beda / raila

GUNNA - punch.
usage: avangond gunna kottu alle flat maadbido maga

KIRICK PALTY - dangerous/stupid person. It depends on the scenario you use it. It can be a compliment or sarcastic.
usage: A lecturer bejan kirik palty maga

F(PH)IGURE / PIECE / HAKKI / BOMB / CHINDI FIGAR - a beautiful girl
usage: Maga, bus nalli sakkat phigure ittu maga...

SCRAP - Opposite of phigure

YAKKA MAKKA - deadly(adjective)
usage: A ragi ge police inda yakka makka vodhe bittu

HAP / GULDU / GOOBE - Idiot
usage: nin thara guldu nan magan na node illa

CHAMCHA / SISSIYA - Subordinate
usage: duddu iskonnakke a maheshan chamcha bandidda

GURU / BHAI - opposite of chamcha

KALAKAAR - Talented (especially with girls)
usage: a totu bhayanaka kalakar na maga guru

SINKU / PORT / EPHASE - to escape from the scene of crime (what ever the crime may be)
usage: sadhya! time ge sikn ade maga naanu

GUNDU / THEERTHA / YENNE - alcohol
usage: friday night yenne party na??

PORKI - lofar
usage: adi bari porki nan maga kano.

AASTI - Female assets
usage: yeno aasthi it idale a phigureu

SAKKAT / BOMBAAT - Amazing
usage: modve mane alli bitti oota sakkat agi ittu maga

KIRIK - problematic situation
usage: maga, police mama heavy kirik maadta idane

NAMM AREA - to denote a geographic location of control: usually used with kirik
usage: guru a koli manja namm area ge bandu kirik maadta idane

ADDA - hang out
usage: maga, adda dalli sigteeni

SKETCH HAAKU - plan: used in the situation of KIRIK
usage: guru, a koli manja nin mele sketch haakta idane

CHITRANNA - lemon rice bath, but used along with CHINDI to mean disaster
usage: a accident alli nan car chindi chitranna aytu

KALACHKO - Go away
usage: sumne nin kelsa nodkondu kalachko

SET-UP / STEPNI / SETTING / PETROMAX - a person you are having an extra marritial affair with
usage: a minister ge 12 stepni galu maga

KANTRI - A person with a cruel mind
usage: Aathara kantri baddi maganna nodilla

BADDI - interest ( as in on a loan) but used for a person.
usage: See kantri

BISCUIT - cheat / use for personal interest
usage: ee hudgeer kathe ne istu.. bari biscuit hakodu

HEAT / CHOOL - Sexual urge
usage: yeno heat alli idane avanu.. hhayanaka choolu avange

PATAAISU - To make some one fall for you
usage: maga, avalanna pataaisyodu sakkat kasta

OC - Free
usage: Modve ge hogona maga, oc oota sigatte

GURRAISU - Stare(has two usages, one to stare at a girl/boy cheaply, other to stare at a person with anger/enemity)
usage: nodu maga, aval nanna gurraista idale


DIJANG - Yella Mix up aagirodhu antha Artha ..
usage: : Yen DIJANG Shirt Sisya adu ..

BAGAL BLAST - Kitthogirodhu or Beating black n blue(body repair kelsa) ..
usage: Sisya mobile BAGAL BLAST aagbittide, Sisya BAGAL BLAST Figure kano adu ..

AAYKO - Something bad happenin, or accident..
usage: Yen maga gaadi ang odisthya .. yavatthara AAYKOnteeya noodu



Here are some bad words used at the heat of the moment:
Usage is not required... they can fit into any sentence... and they need not be used to mean what they mean

GAANDU - an impotent person

AMMAN: (short for "Nim amman na keya") - i will fuck your mother

AKKAN: (short for "Nim akkan na keya") - i will fuck your sister

NIM HENDRU (Short for "nim hendru na keya") - i will fuck your wife

SHATA : Pubic hair

CHINGREE - Hair in the arm pits

AYYAN - beleive it or not, i ill fuck your dad

SULE MAGANE - son of a prostitute

BAVERSI - Basturd

Whole Lot of CRAP!!!

Shopping malls have always fascinated me. Its a new inclusion in my life, a very recent one. But a shopping mall is a fascinating place. I like it most because of the whole load of people i get to watch there but that are a different story all together. I am sitting like an owl at 3 AM in the night not to talk about people. I find it more amusing that i talk about shit. Thats right, shit... crap... excreta

One of the interesting things about the malls i like are the loos or to put it in better terms, the rest rooms. But since i am talking about shits anyway, i might as well use all the unethical words. So i prefer to use the work loo. Believe you me, i have visited a lot of malls, at least my share of them, and have always made it a point to visit the loo in every mall i have ever set foot in. I don't know, probably its god or who ever always without fail creates pressure in my bowells every time i get into a hip, posh place. And i dont even need to smoke the regular cigarette to create the required Temperature / Volume (For the ones who have forgotten, remember the universal gas equation?(if you still cant get it, it is PV = nRT(where P is pressure, V is volume, n is some constant which is 1 for vacuum i guess, R is some other constant and T is temperature))) (note that i have used parenthesis to perfection... Helps if you are a coder... Bloody compilers, always complaining about the missing braces)

Anyway back to the loos... I really like it in one of them in the posh malls i was talking about. They are clean for starters. And catching on the western trend, they are all western style lavatories which makes my time out to myself more pleasurable. The Indian ones suck i tell you, i mean not literally, but in general they really suck. At the end of those important 5 mins, i usually have numb legs and start walking funny. So, the pressure created in one of the malls is always nice cos i can actually sit in the loo for like 10 - 15 mins knowing confidently that at the end of it, i wont have numb legs.

The western trend is really catching on i tell you. The loos are so amazing. Things like automatic hand driers automatic flushes which flush the pee collectors ( I dont know what they call them but for the ladies who have not seen them, its really cool. They are like buckets which come in differnt shapes ok. Just think of them as porcelain bucket like things in which a man stands and takes a leak. Thats not what is cool. What is cool is that as soon as a man does his thing, the bloody thing flushes by itself. Amazing aint it. I wonder how that works. Actually there is something right above the bucket thing which looks like a hidden camera or something. I think that is responsible for the automation. The wash basins are cool too. You don't even have to do anything. Just put your hand there and water flows by itself. I have observed something else these days. There is this thing, a small box like thing that sprays perfume ever few mins. I guess it senses the smell of the room, and probably when it reaches a threshold, it does its job.

The loos are amazing too. There are hand held faucets and all that. Its an amazing shitting experience i tell you. The western influence comes into picture again. There are paper towels and all that. As an Indian i dont see much use of them, but anyway they are there. It enhances the looks. And thank god for them also, cos they saved my face (arse actually) one day.

I was in this mall one night, just after a heavy dinner to watch a bollywood blockbuster. I get into this mall and am taking the escalator and viola; there is turbulance in my bowells. I start looking out for one of those signs which guide us to the loo. And i find one. Get into one of the empty cabins and get to work. 15 mins later, i am done with what ever i had to do. I look for one of those faucets thing, and to my horror, its not there. Then i begin to think, may be this one is state of the art and all that, and look for other sources of water. Nothing!!! Then i think, may be there is that hidden cam thing somewhere and may be it would spray water once it realizes that i am done. None of that happened too. I am doomed i begin to think. I must have got a hundred calls from my friends waiting outside, waiting for me to at least give them the movie tickets that i had safely tucked in my wallet. So what happens next??? Paper towels to the rescue. I did it. Finally. I took paper towels and wiped my arse. Ya i know it sounds disgusting but believe you me, its not as bad as it sounds. Come on, in the opposite side of the globe, each and every one of them is doing that every day of their shitting careers. So it cant be that bad. But it is a funny experience. Nothing like water though. If you dont believe me, try it out yourself. Its cool.... and dry :-)