of downs and unders

BCCI rejected claims that the busy schedule of the players has anything to do the performance of the team after India lost to the Ozs in another innings defeat - the fourth one in the last seven. After selecting the one day team, Kris Srikanth with a mug of beer in his hand told press persons "The team is a perfect mix of experience and youth. There is no reason why this team should lose. It has nothing to do with the tight schedule of players. It has to do with the format of the game."

Sources inside the BCCI are suggesting that a letter is being drafted by a committee which includes 4% sub quota for people like Manmohan Singh, the mentally backward community. After research by the committee, BCCI is planning to propose the following rule changes in the Test cricket format. They believe that if the game has to survive the following changes have to be made to keep the audience interested:

When India is batting, the bowler is not allowed to bowl over 140 kmph. He will be no-balled on bowling over that speed with a warning, and three warnings and the bowler is not allowed to bowl in that innings. There can be only two slips, one slip and a gully or two gullys. No other fielder is allowed 30 meters from the bat. Catches cannot be caught in two hands. If so that will be declared as 4 runs.

Dravid cannot be out bowled, Laxman cannot be out caught behind and Dhoni and Shewag cannot be out caught anywhere. Next time Tendulkar scores a 50, it should be declared as a 100.

When India is bowling, batsman crossing 100 will be declared out. Scoring three centuries in consecutive matches will result in 2 match ban for the batsman.

There are a couple of other changes revolving around middle fingers and multiple innings for select indian batsmen still under discussion. Though there was no one to confirm of such a letter being drafted out, Team Anna has already decided to come out and fast against this in just BCCI functioning. Arvind Khejriwal has blamed Digvijay Singh for the debacle of the Indian team and Diggy in turn claims to have photographs of Dhoni in RSS colors.

When Tendulkar was asked about the ongoing series and Indies performance, he said "ay la, it is not about records. If I play like the way I am playing, I will get there someday, even if it means in another 3 years. I am not responsible for any of the recent overseas losses because I have never scored a century in any of them. It is only if I score a century that I can be blamed for India losing. I am feeling as fit as I was 20 years ago and am hungry to score more runs."

Yuvraj and Harbhajan were seen on the beaches goa at a New Years party 15 days after new year. When asked how they are coping up with being dropped from the team, bhajji performed a couple of bhangra steps screaming "maa ki, maa ki" and Yuvi swore that Deepika and him were just friends.

and in faking news....

Mohali is getting ready to what is being claimed as the biggest event of the year, even bigger than the super moon which a lot of city dwellers missed because of traffic and pollution. The game is expected to be watched by half of the worlds population including dogs, cats, monkeys and Charlie Sheen. India and Pakistan are routed to play the semi finals of the World Cup of 2011, the most intelligent cup in the history of mankind - a cup that counts. God (who sometimes claims to be Sachin Tendulkar) too has taken a day off with a leave letter stating personal reasons. Though he was not available for questioning, sources say he was busy organizing the biggest party the real world will never know about. However India and Pakistan will definitely remain closed and the prime ministers are expected to be seen sharing a boxer. Errr box.

Some activists and cricket enthusiasts have been out on the streets today protesting that tomorrow must be declared a national holiday. Yuvraj Singh has stated that he is not going to play in any case tomorrow is declared a dry day.

The Indian cricket team were seen practicing with at most enthusiasm. While Ghambir was seen running between the wickets without a partner for over 4 hours with coach Garry Kirsten keeping a close watch on him, southies Srisanth and Ashwin was seen practicing screaming friendly accolades towards the opponents female family members in Hindi. When Dhoni was asked about his teams preparation he said with his usual lack of emotion "WELL OFCOURSE we will win. We are a horrible fielding outfit but we are surely better than them (Pakistanies). Our batting has not performed as expected  but we are better than them. And in the bowling department if Shoaib (Aktar) plays, our bowling would be as good as theirs. The boys don't really care about the cup as we can all count but we want to win it for Sachin (Tendulkar)"

The Pakistanis were seen taking a day off with every one attending to personal chores. While Afridi and Misbah were busy discussing family problems with Sania Mirza, Kamran Akmal was caught sharpening his front teeth at the dentist, just in case he had to bite nails (Not bails or balls he clarified) for what is expected to be a certain nail biter. When Imran Khan was asked on how his team was going to fare in the game he said " The boys are going to play for their lives as this is a do or die for them... that is the format of the game". However there are reports that he knows of a betle nut derivative would be extended to the names of the Pakistan team members in the case they lost the game. Previously the "supari" as the world calls it was out just in the names of the previous World Cup winner's captains . When a certain Mr D (name has been withheld to protect the individual) was asked if this was true, he said "No Idea."

Bangalore will remain closed tomorrow. Traffic has seen its peak since Sunday evening with people uncertain of the days of the week owing to Wednesday being declared a self holiday by everyone. For traffic police, it would be businiess as usual and have issued a press statment saying it would be safe to drink and drive only after the match in case India win. BSY has already made a statement that the launch of the Metro will be further delayed and the sole cause is the India Pakistan semi finals irrespective of the result of the match.

It has been speculated that the noted Arnab Goswami would retire after this match if India lose.

Draw a tie

 This Sunday turned out to be quiet an action packed day for Indians in general and for most Bangaloreans in particular. The build up to the India vs England match was marked with interventions from something or someone divine, not sure it was god or the devil(read Mandira Bedi). For one, the match got shifted from Eden Gardens to Chinnaswami. Saurav Ganguly continued to be under the opinion that the match could have very well happened in Kolkotta, so be it that the players of both the teams would have had to adjust a tiny bit and share dressing rooms. That kind of inconvenience he believed was acceptable, especially when the crowd of chota king smoking bengalis would  be out in larger numbers than in Bangalore resulting in the match being more action packed with Smoke Bombs and Water Guns instead of the traditional Lati charge that prevailed here.

 Those who were lucky like the local MLA's third wife's second cousin or stupid like Venkatesh to pay for the tickets through his nose, got to watch what would be equivalent to watching the "divya jothi" at Shabarimalai. They got to see the god, also called Sachin Tendulkar sometimes, perform magic once again, only to go for the mid innings break wondering what had just passed. Did they really see what they saw or did the just imagine the ball flying all over the park like the thousands of devotees do every year at Shabarimalai.

 The lesser fortunate, who didn't get their hands on tickets and were not at the end of a swinging lati got to watch the match in crowded bars. Only a few of them did get to watch the match while most had to satisfy themselves watching heads of the others. All of them however, in the hope of getting drinks had to avoid getting molested as the crowds that had gathered in such bars could have put the mumbai local to shame.

 By the time the second innings came mid way, everyone had mellowed down into a drunk stupor, some of them because of the alcohol, but most of them having early bouts of Monday morning blues. Come batting power play, not only did the Indian team came into spirit, so did the spirited individuals. Among the chats of "Bolo bharat mata ki Jai" and "Dhoni, Zindabaad" there were other more interesting slogans like "Soda, lemon, ginger-pop, I want Deepika Padukone on the top" as she glared on the screen biting Siddhart Mallyas nails(she didnt want to do hers as they had been pedicured specially for the match) and some subdued slogans of "Baath koli na denga" when Grame Swan came to bat also made rounds.

 The bar owners broke coconuts in the name of Shane Warne as the match turned out to be a tie. They were thankful that India didn't lose and therefore their mugs and bottles didn't get a chance to break. They were more thankful that India did not win and they could hold back stocks which could be sold after the Budget.

 Bangalore seemed to sleep early with only a hand full of losers who had gotten out of the stadium early with the expectation of an Indian loss but were too late to enter any bar within the prescribed closure timings of the city who were found singing "Oops I did it again".

close encounter with the opener

 Waiting for something in anticipation is always much better than the real thing.

 Its been a week since the world cup has started. One India match out of the way too, brilliant   batting  performance by the Delhi boys, though the match in itself lacked any real match feeling. However much the Indian players have to say about Bangladesh (revenge and all that), Bangladesh still seems like a school team who seem to practice with a tennis ball in the nets. It was a simple win, a match in which I slept through the second innings, primarily because of abuse of beer during the first.

 Still our players are injured in all over the place. Knees of Sachin and Shewag are in question, and so has Zaheers manhood(He seems to have a niggling groin from time immemorial). Nehra and Srisanth are as usual, injured in their brains. The way Indians are getting the advantage,  making sure all their games being played at home, I don't think it is surprising if ICC would allow Indian team to play in the practice match format - 15 member team for India.


 There has been lots of other action apart from the highly media-fied Indian team. NZ beat the shit out of Kenya and Ricky Pointing beat the shit out of a poor unsuspecting LCD TV. With the "aatakku untu lekkakke illa(There for the game, not for the count)" teams finishing off their matches in a hurry, the World Cup 2011 promises much more action in the coming days.

 Now that the India England match has moved from Kolkotta to Bangalore,  my absence in the stadium will hence be blamed on the ticket prices than as previously planned, the lack of good India matches in Bangalore.

 The practice is on from my end. Got the setup-box for my TV. Warming up my body for this Sunday. Have made a mental note not to consume the beer during the first innings. Would love to use KP as the make shift opener for the bottles.

 May the best team win. India of course.

9 days to go

The country is going to be under productive for the next couple of months. World Cup 2011 followed by IPL4. Hurray!

 I am a sucker for cheap publicity stunts. And nothing captures our imagination as much as cricket and Bollywood does. Everything about cricket and Bollywood is worth reading about. Despite of the spectrum of scams hogging our country, I get a kick out of a "Bhajji slapped Srisanth" or "Kareena kissed Shaid" stories. I know I should be ashamed but ah! what the heck... To behave in tune with the core of my personality, I would rather watch a cricket match or a film awards ceremony than watch Burkha and Rajdeep spit shit. Its Star Sports on my Sony Bravia hence forth.


 The current Bollywood and cricket "heroes" seem to have vague but vital similarities. This is possibly due to the rise of both platforms of entertainment around about the same time (or at least they have been there since I, as a two year old first could make out whats what). Its interesting when one draws loose parallels.

 Gavaskar could be an Amitab Bachhan - They say they have done lots of good work... but I couldn't care less.. The less I see them, the better I feel.

 Yuvi is like Akshay - There is a lot of hope and the end of it there is always a let down. A few(read very very few) glimpses of classes in the process.

 Srisanth = Sallu - More fart than actual shit types

 Raina = Hritik | Kholi = Abhay Deol | Bhajji = Paresh Raval | Siddhu = Bobby Darling and such.

 Which brings us to another interesting observation. I happened to watch Ajay Devagan on KWK the other day - Not really good looking; at least not conventionally. Came with a bang in a few action packed roles. Few awesome performances in the way. Settled into a comfortable place in business. Cool. Calm. Knows there is shit around. Knows how to deal with it. Knows how to handle media. No one is really a fan but would not mind watching him over the other jokers. Just like Dhoni on so many levels. I hope he can get us the cup. At least for Sachin's sake.

 Was trying to figure out a parallel for our beloved Sachin. But he is god and all isn't he? The true son of the country. Like Lord Ganesha. Or Chota Bheem may be

IPL2

IPL continues its success story! IPL second edition ended up with a bang as well. Congratulations Deccan Chargers. You deserved to win. Good work Kumble and the Royal challengers of Bangalore as well.

Continuing from where I left it last time, here goes the bullet points of this year.

* First and foremost, SA was a super second destination for the event. Wonderful crowd. Stupid also but great also. Thanks for being there and supporting our teams and making this event a grand success

* Thank you Prieti and Shilpa is supporting a losing cause. If not for you guys, your teams had nothing to cheer about.

* Thank you AB for your amazing century, but sorry that all the credit goes to our own Manish Pandey for matching your shot to shot, fielding to fielding

* Thank you Manish Pande once again for your performance and taking your team to where you took them. Too bad you had 6 balls strike in the first 6 overs of the finals. Lets just say your team played against you. But everyone has to learn from you as to how to take a given opportunity with open arms

* Thank you KKR for your not so nice performance. But you did perform where RCB needed. So kudos to you.

* Thank you Robin Uttappa for fucking up every time you went out to bat. Next time make sure you get a contract from KKR. You will fit in there perfectly.

* Great performances guys - Hayden, RP, Dilshan, Kumble and the rest of you who did perform well

* Sachin, Saurav, Dravid, Lakshman and the rest of the fuckers who performed pathetically, just look at those kids who are performing man... dont you get a little inspiration from that?

* The vodafone adds were killer this time! Way to go zoo zoo!

* Mandira, Sameer, Arunlal, Akaash Chopra and the gang - you suck!

* Gavaskar, Shastri, Bhogle, Rameez and the gang - you suck too!

* Super over was an amazing intersting change. Super!

* Thank you IPL for making cricket a little more open and making players answerable - no more just mumbaikars like Agarkar and Ranesh Powar who have sucked at the game. The new finds should make it to the team soon - Super played boys - The Ojhas, Nayar, Jadeja, Pandey, Jakathi, Kholi, Raina, Rohit and all

Overall another awesome four weeks. Keep it going. In a couple of years there are going to be two more teams. The speculation is that they are giong to be the Lucknow loafers and the Ahamadabad assholes!

Keeper in the park!

My devotion seems to be falling apart these days. I've hardly seen a 50 over cricket match live in ages. Life seems to be taking away too much of my time to give me my spiritual space. Hardly seen a live match, not even on TV. And they say Cricket is a religion and all here...

Yesterday, I happened to reach home right on time for a one day international. Pakistan v/s West Indies, Second innings, last few overs to be completed. The match was evenly poised. Pak needed some 90 odd of some 70 odd balls, 7 Wickets in hand. Khurram Manzoor and Salman Butt had given them a fair start. And for a change, I could see myself supporting Pakistan. After all they are neighbors, all the communalism apart.

Just as a thought, how can anyone be named butt? That too with the second T. Fuckin funny! School and college life would have been a torture for someone named Butt! Thank god our Butt knows to play cricket. :) Lucky basturd. I pity his brothers tho. Butt... with a double T. LOL.

The West Indies score card was a strange one too. Not just because of the funny names. Just that almost everyone is new in the team. Last I remember seeing them play cricket was the T20 world cup I guess. Damn! Life has taken over too much time! And I think I also saw a white West Indian too. Brendan Nash. I can’t believe that they have started making white people in West Indies. Wow! Thats something Ii didnt know! Other than the Taylor and the Baker, there is also this Sewnarine Chattergoon in their team. Chatter - Goon! What the fuck! Why would anyone do that to their son. Chatter - GOON! Dictionary.com has a stupid, foolish, or awkward person as an entry for Goon. A goon who chatters!! Why would anyone do that to their son?

Anyway, Pakistan happen to win the match. But I must add, WI stole defeat from the hands of the Pakis. Last over, 18 runs required to win and 2 wickets in hand. Kamaran Akmal played a gem. 2 6's and a four to finish off the game. A couple of wides which goes without saying, considering a WI bowler :P.

England series coming up :). Sidebottom will be on the score cards. :) Its happy days ahead :)

Indian Premier League! A vote of thanks!

IPL has been a wonderful success. "Pat on the back" to Lalit Modi and his team. Kudos too Rajasthan Royals!! Or shall I say "O Hallla boooolllll!!! "

On this memorable occasion, I am obliged to thank a few of them who have made this occasion a grand success. Here we go... Bullet points... Applause!!! Applause!!! Applause!!!

* I firstly would like to thank the IPL governing body for making this event a grand success. Its sad that its over cos every day when I get back home, I have nothing to watch on TV; when I get to work, we have nothing to discuss in coffee/lunch breaks. Just makes life that much more difficult.

* Thanks Tanvir, Marsh, Ghambir, Chawla, Warne, Zaheer, Yousuf, Irfan, Goni, Jayasurya, Watson et all.. amazing performance... Encore!!

* Thank you Vijay Mallya for all the Red Sox chicks... Without them, the whole IPL story would have been a lil less hot. Even you honey, the black one who thought we racially abused you!

* Thank you Shane Warne, for proving that you are never too old to lead and win!!!

* Thanks Rahul Dravid for at least saving grace and playing some good innings. But dude, you are done. Retire before ruining what you have achieved in the past few years.

* The Bangalore Royal Challengers were placed second in the "Fair play award" category. So RC can go with a campaign statement which says "Even if we don’t win, it does not matter. We don’t cheat"

* Thank you Harbajan for involving Symonds' mom in the IPL. I guess that was a well thought strategy. Thank you once again for slapping Srishanth. I guess he deserved it

* Thank you IPL officials for realizing that the world has had enough of Harbhajan

* Thank you Shah Rukh Khan for trying to steal the stardom. Thank god you realized that its cricket and not bollywood. Your time will come too. Like they say, every dog has its day. What say Aamir?

* Thank you Preity for being present every time your team played. Thank you for supporting them, though they were not worth all your efforts.

* Thank you IPL for letting India know that Yuvi can never be a good captain. Thank god for that!

* Thanks once again to Mallya for all the pretty chicks. Katrina was hot irrespective of our loss. So was Ramya... (so funny to see her pant her jeans off after a run around chinnaswami :P)

* Billy: You were at your entertaining best. Way to go!

* Thank god its all over, and no(no would be an understatement... lets say at least not cos of cricket) traffic jams to hassle people

* Thanks Set Max for live coverage of the matches. The hosts were irritating, so were the ads. Please see that at least next time, there are better/different/lesser number of ads/ad breaks (barring the Vodafone ads of course :) )

* Thanks Soheb for playing that one good match. I guess everyone (am sure even you) has had enough of you.

* Yo! Shivamani!! You are good but you suck on the field man. Stick to your drums in your studio. Please

* Last but not the least, the commentary team: Interesting! Different and interesting!! Not good. Just interesting.

Insha Allah!! They got fucked

Its a day i would remember. India beat Pakistan in the first ever Twenty20 world cup. Not just beat, kicked arse. They deserved to win, having beaten every major team in the cup and loosing only one match in the series. What was more interesting to see was that it was a total team effort. Under Dhoni, the team seems to be fearless and seems to be enjoying their cricket. And i think in the end, the best team actually won.

The final was one nail biter. It just made it better that it went down to the last over. Both teams played amazing cricket and it was worthy of a finals. Pakistan should not feel too bad about loosing the match. They fought till their last drop for the cup. They should absolutely have no regrets. Or should they? The fuckin lost to India in the finals. They must be kicking themselves in the butt like no bodies business. Screw them :P. An sms floating just highlighted the situation:

"A Pakistani iron rod dealer gets a call from an Indian company.
Indian: Do you have rods?
Pakistani: Ya of course
Indian: Shove it up your arse" - LOL

We went on a traditional victory lap after the match. Whole of Bangalore was a party. The streets were loaded with INDIANS and the tricolor flying high and wide everywhere. Every one was on the streets. Humongous fireworks. People dancing on the streets. Everyone seemed to be having a blast. Law and order seemed screwed but who cared. The police were having a blast themselves. On the whole an amazing experience. What a brilliant way to end a Monday!! Got indoors at 4 am. For a change its Tuesday morning blues :P

My sympathies to all the Indians who were not in the country to experience the fever. Sorry guys, but where you are just ain't India

OH AH INDIA AYI LA INDIA

World cup fever comes to an end. Atleast for Indians. Atleast for me. I had a lot of things planned for this world cup. This world cup in a way was, a very important one in my life for more than one reason. One is of course, that probabally the last world cup for Sachin, Dravid, Kumble, Ganguly et all. And these are the cricketers I grew up with, know what I mean... When I started watching or following cricket, these guys were also planting their first strong steps on the game. In a way, they grew old with us. One more reason this world cup was to be special was that this was probabally the last world cup I would get to watch as a bachelor, you know, like a real one, no issues of family and home and shit like that. Just me and the guys, all watching cricket. We had decided to make this world cup special. We had all worked out stratergies to get to handle work timings and made arrangements to watch each match at pubs and friends places and such. Infact, ski got a tv home, a small i guess 5 inch tv with an antenna. So funny it is, black and white and catches only dd. Infact the Ind vs SL match i watched on that only. :-)

But the bloody fuckers(in a mallu accent) spoilt it all. Not even reach bloody super 8s. Out loosing to Bangladesh. The only highlight I would take back, you know, when i am old and i look back at my past and think of world cup 2007, will probabally remember the world record score in world cups against bermuda and conversly bob woulmers death.

Sad for the team though. I am sure they must be by themselves already feeling pretty sad. Its sad to loose any game. Especially against a week team. More so when there are a lot of people supporting you. And "Team India" had freaking millions of people holding their balls, hoping for a kick ass performance. On top of that the way we treated them is sad. Emails circulating about these people with alternative career paths is acceptable. Bloody taking to the streets with posters, having a fake burial of the players, giving them the "chappli" treatment, damaging the players houses and stuff was a little too much. Not after how they were treated just a couple of weeks ago, comparing the team to the 83 world cup team and events for cheering up the team and the kind of advertisements that came out and stuff. An Indian cricketer would definetely know how green the grass it is on either side of stardom.