Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Whole Lot of CRAP!!!

Shopping malls have always fascinated me. Its a new inclusion in my life, a very recent one. But a shopping mall is a fascinating place. I like it most because of the whole load of people i get to watch there but that are a different story all together. I am sitting like an owl at 3 AM in the night not to talk about people. I find it more amusing that i talk about shit. Thats right, shit... crap... excreta

One of the interesting things about the malls i like are the loos or to put it in better terms, the rest rooms. But since i am talking about shits anyway, i might as well use all the unethical words. So i prefer to use the work loo. Believe you me, i have visited a lot of malls, at least my share of them, and have always made it a point to visit the loo in every mall i have ever set foot in. I don't know, probably its god or who ever always without fail creates pressure in my bowells every time i get into a hip, posh place. And i dont even need to smoke the regular cigarette to create the required Temperature / Volume (For the ones who have forgotten, remember the universal gas equation?(if you still cant get it, it is PV = nRT(where P is pressure, V is volume, n is some constant which is 1 for vacuum i guess, R is some other constant and T is temperature))) (note that i have used parenthesis to perfection... Helps if you are a coder... Bloody compilers, always complaining about the missing braces)

Anyway back to the loos... I really like it in one of them in the posh malls i was talking about. They are clean for starters. And catching on the western trend, they are all western style lavatories which makes my time out to myself more pleasurable. The Indian ones suck i tell you, i mean not literally, but in general they really suck. At the end of those important 5 mins, i usually have numb legs and start walking funny. So, the pressure created in one of the malls is always nice cos i can actually sit in the loo for like 10 - 15 mins knowing confidently that at the end of it, i wont have numb legs.

The western trend is really catching on i tell you. The loos are so amazing. Things like automatic hand driers automatic flushes which flush the pee collectors ( I dont know what they call them but for the ladies who have not seen them, its really cool. They are like buckets which come in differnt shapes ok. Just think of them as porcelain bucket like things in which a man stands and takes a leak. Thats not what is cool. What is cool is that as soon as a man does his thing, the bloody thing flushes by itself. Amazing aint it. I wonder how that works. Actually there is something right above the bucket thing which looks like a hidden camera or something. I think that is responsible for the automation. The wash basins are cool too. You don't even have to do anything. Just put your hand there and water flows by itself. I have observed something else these days. There is this thing, a small box like thing that sprays perfume ever few mins. I guess it senses the smell of the room, and probably when it reaches a threshold, it does its job.

The loos are amazing too. There are hand held faucets and all that. Its an amazing shitting experience i tell you. The western influence comes into picture again. There are paper towels and all that. As an Indian i dont see much use of them, but anyway they are there. It enhances the looks. And thank god for them also, cos they saved my face (arse actually) one day.

I was in this mall one night, just after a heavy dinner to watch a bollywood blockbuster. I get into this mall and am taking the escalator and viola; there is turbulance in my bowells. I start looking out for one of those signs which guide us to the loo. And i find one. Get into one of the empty cabins and get to work. 15 mins later, i am done with what ever i had to do. I look for one of those faucets thing, and to my horror, its not there. Then i begin to think, may be this one is state of the art and all that, and look for other sources of water. Nothing!!! Then i think, may be there is that hidden cam thing somewhere and may be it would spray water once it realizes that i am done. None of that happened too. I am doomed i begin to think. I must have got a hundred calls from my friends waiting outside, waiting for me to at least give them the movie tickets that i had safely tucked in my wallet. So what happens next??? Paper towels to the rescue. I did it. Finally. I took paper towels and wiped my arse. Ya i know it sounds disgusting but believe you me, its not as bad as it sounds. Come on, in the opposite side of the globe, each and every one of them is doing that every day of their shitting careers. So it cant be that bad. But it is a funny experience. Nothing like water though. If you dont believe me, try it out yourself. Its cool.... and dry :-)


Anonymous said...

hmmm...a really shitty experience u've had :0
BTW those automatic things have a IR(or whtever frequency) TX ad RX in the same red coloured thing which is in front of you. When there's no reflection of the rays there's no water flowing...but when there's a reflection (due to the person standing) and then its not there (he's done with it) then the water starts flowing. Thus only when there's a dicontinuity in the reflection the water thing is activated and not otherwise.

Mads said...

ya.. and only when theres a reflection the water flows in case of the wash basins. 'hidden camera' is somethin u better not use atleast wrt to loos and washrooms bloke! :P all in all.. what uv written cud be called 'a piece of art'

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