Friday, September 21, 2012

father of the nation

I switched on the TV after another hard days work. I have to work hard to earn my salary and be a good citizen and cough up for my country as tax up to 30% of my earnings – give back to my country for doing me a favor of keeping me here. I try not to waste time distracting myself by watching television, but some soaps, especially the ones that play out on Times Now, CNN IBN, NDTV 24X7 et all always seem to titillate my attention.

Today, they are playing some rare footage. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is addressing the nation. After serving the country as the prime minister, the head of all the affairs of the country for 8 long years, he is out there again, for the second time sitting motionless as always in front of the camera, wearing a fading blue turban and an even more fading monotonous voice and he is addressing us, the people of his country - the aam aadmi. The image is so depressing that even the tricolor on the left and Gandhiji on the right have bowed down in shame

He speaks for 15 boring minutes, defending the recent hike in Diesel and LPG. He fails to understand that today, if i go out for breakfast, I have to spend 20 rupees for a plate idli. For an idli! Come on. It is steamed rice - steam and rice that are just as abundant in our country as stupidity is or criminals are. 20 fucking rupees. Its not like I get to eat it with pleasure too - have to stand rubbing shoulder with millions young city dwellers like me who have forgotten to cook food at home. Is that our mistake? Or is it the policy of the government - so that we save LPG Consumption? I am not too  sure

He speaks like a father - addressing his son about a reduction on pocket money. He doesn’t understand my problems; neither does he care about them. He expects me to pay taxes on time like a good boy, follow unrealistic rules and not speak too much. For giving me the privilege of working long hours with horrible bosses, today when I have earned myself a car, he expects I pay 5 rupees more for diesel. He says - Things are bad and you are the one to suffer. Contribute to the nation. Money does not grow on trees. If you don’t pay, how will my ministers make money and drive SUVs with beacon lights?
We are all one big family oh brothers and sisters he says. He expects me to think that we are all one big family and he is the head - the father of our family – the father of the nation.  A depressing, incapable father of a depleting, disintegrating nation.

I wonder, if it makes MMS the father, does it make Sonia Gandhi the mother? Or step-mother? Or better still, Mother-in-law? She fits perfectly into a mother in law character I would say. She is always around, in your face, and you can’t stand the sight of her and looking for an opportunity to kill her. Not Sonia, mother-in-law.

In this big joke, the soap of India, in the big family of us Indians, the heir to the throne, the prince in waiting is the one to look forward to. Like they say, what you are seeing today is not the worst - the worst is yet to come - Picture abhi bhaki hain mere dost

I have it in writing today - The day Rahul Gandhi becomes Prime Minister of India, I will move out of my country - even to Pakistan if needed

PS: Facts may not be all true - feelings are.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

of downs and unders

BCCI rejected claims that the busy schedule of the players has anything to do the performance of the team after India lost to the Ozs in another innings defeat - the fourth one in the last seven. After selecting the one day team, Kris Srikanth with a mug of beer in his hand told press persons "The team is a perfect mix of experience and youth. There is no reason why this team should lose. It has nothing to do with the tight schedule of players. It has to do with the format of the game."

Sources inside the BCCI are suggesting that a letter is being drafted by a committee which includes 4% sub quota for people like Manmohan Singh, the mentally backward community. After research by the committee, BCCI is planning to propose the following rule changes in the Test cricket format. They believe that if the game has to survive the following changes have to be made to keep the audience interested:

When India is batting, the bowler is not allowed to bowl over 140 kmph. He will be no-balled on bowling over that speed with a warning, and three warnings and the bowler is not allowed to bowl in that innings. There can be only two slips, one slip and a gully or two gullys. No other fielder is allowed 30 meters from the bat. Catches cannot be caught in two hands. If so that will be declared as 4 runs.

Dravid cannot be out bowled, Laxman cannot be out caught behind and Dhoni and Shewag cannot be out caught anywhere. Next time Tendulkar scores a 50, it should be declared as a 100.

When India is bowling, batsman crossing 100 will be declared out. Scoring three centuries in consecutive matches will result in 2 match ban for the batsman.

There are a couple of other changes revolving around middle fingers and multiple innings for select indian batsmen still under discussion. Though there was no one to confirm of such a letter being drafted out, Team Anna has already decided to come out and fast against this in just BCCI functioning. Arvind Khejriwal has blamed Digvijay Singh for the debacle of the Indian team and Diggy in turn claims to have photographs of Dhoni in RSS colors.

When Tendulkar was asked about the ongoing series and Indies performance, he said "ay la, it is not about records. If I play like the way I am playing, I will get there someday, even if it means in another 3 years. I am not responsible for any of the recent overseas losses because I have never scored a century in any of them. It is only if I score a century that I can be blamed for India losing. I am feeling as fit as I was 20 years ago and am hungry to score more runs."

Yuvraj and Harbhajan were seen on the beaches goa at a New Years party 15 days after new year. When asked how they are coping up with being dropped from the team, bhajji performed a couple of bhangra steps screaming "maa ki, maa ki" and Yuvi swore that Deepika and him were just friends.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Dependence Day

In 3 days, India completes 64 years of freedom. We will celebrate independence day of 2011 like we always did. Our prime minister will give the country a speech, a tradition that will happen for the 65th time. The flag will be hoisted and everyone gets sweets. Then everybody can go home, eat a nice lunch and catch up on an afternoon siesta. But what is this independence that we are enjoying? As a common man living on the ground, as the end customer of the country, what is that I am getting out of life in an independent country, supposedly largest functioning democracy?

India is a country of rich cultural heritage. This is a country where some of the greatest minds of the world were born. A country where great and timeless kings ruled. A country known for some of the greatest architectural and natural wonders. A country where great religions and philosophies originated. A country where we were taught to love thy neighbour and respect elders. But that is all of the past isn't it? We have all been living in the glories of the past. As I look at it, the last 64 years have seen a downward trend.

Currently I live in a country where everything is manipulated and served to its people on a plate. A country where media that makes me believe what they want me to believe. A country where I have to wait for hours in rain and traffic jams to make sure that some bloody politician has a better ride back from his First Class flight travel to his 5 star hotel. A country where I have to wait in queues and be at the receiving end of a police lati just to watch a cricket match or celebrate a festival. A country where I have to live with a constant fear when I leave in the morning, I don't know if I will reach back home in the night. A country where I am scared to go to the police station when I am facing a social atrocity. We have become a country where I have to bribe to be born and another to die. India, reduced to a country where crooks are born, breed and control my life. A country where money means power and only power can buy money. A country where everything including god is black and maligned. A country where law is at least a 5 year plan and parliament is also an entertainment TV channel.

The politicians who lead us are all thieves. Each and every one of them without exceptions are today making merry in the name of religion, caste, economic differences, language etc. Not one is interested in bringing an equilibrium among them. They want the differences. They breed on the differences. They breed the differences. And how! The ones with power are looting my money, a tax payers income tax and either stacking them up in banks out of my country or burning it lead a luxurious life. So basically my money is accumulating and resting in some hi-tech bank in Switzerland and I have been driving through pot holed roads paying fines and bribes so that more of my money can go to Switzerland. Everyone who can is doing it, without thinking about the country or its people so long as they don't get caught. Even if they do get caught, each major criminal is going to end up living in air conditioned cells, the electricity bill of which I foot.

And all I am going to get is to pay a huge fine if I don't pay my income tax on time.

Its not like I am doing anything about it though. I am a patriotic Indian. By patriotic, I mean I carry an Indian flag in purse or stand up in and respect the national anthem when it is sung in theaters or talk highly of my country and its culture animatedly in drunk conversations or try to follow as many rules I can. I celebrate every time India wins a cricket match and cry tears of pride every time I hear a Rehman patriotic song. I am not proud of the fact that my patriotism ends in dark bars of a disappointing Indian city but what more can I do? I have to wake up early next morning and get on with the life of using the trashed city roads dodging through trashed city traffic going to a trashed office and earn money for my daily bread and income tax. 

I don't think I am Independent

I fall into that 1% country who is educated and employed. I fall into that small fraction of the country who lives in the city. If I look at it that way, I must consider myself fairly lucky. At least I can pay that bribe and get things rolling. What happens to the rest of them? If I am not independent, what about the rest?

I don't think there is point calling it an Independence day - more a dependence day -  a day when we show to the rich and the powerful that we are dependent on them.

Still - Mera Bharath MahanJai Hind!

Sunday, July 10, 2011


 Metro metro everywhere
 not one train to link
 Malls and malls everywhere
 not one place to sink

 Beautiful chicks everywhere
 with brains made of zinc
 Handsome punks everywhere
 holding hands and wearing pink

 Water water everywere
 not a drop to drink
 Bangalore weather is wonderful
 but its crowded and it stinks

Friday, July 08, 2011

bar to broom

bar ge hogi drink maad de rum
home ge bandaage thale anntu gimmm

bed mele biddu hodedaaga gorke
wife thandee bittalu porke

Thursday, June 30, 2011

mankkuthimma - 1

car andre petrol karchu
bike andre accident hechhu
auto andre shiva bari mosa
bus andre volage masala dosa
heegiddaaga bengalorinalli naanu henge vodaadali mankkuthimma?